its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
