i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
