Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
