dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize