I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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