I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
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