Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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