I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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