I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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