the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
