My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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