My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
