no, he came in my armpit
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
