I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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