he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
