I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
