I faked an abortion last night.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
