At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
