Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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