When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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