I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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