just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
stop calling my apartment porn island.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
