I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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