Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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