I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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