Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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