its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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