I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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