At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
