my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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