If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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