This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
