if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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