I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
