You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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