My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
