so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
there's paper in my vomit.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
