My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
