U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
