Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Randomize
