her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
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