I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
