I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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