I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
