Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
