Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
