it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
