Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
