ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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