its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Just pee around me
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize