I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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