roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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