$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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