well you can't waste a boner
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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