my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
