my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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