How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
