There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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