I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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