so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
