I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
she told me i tasted like america
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
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