Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
